Quitters never win...except in this case.

It's been more than a month since I had a real cigarette.  

Believe me, all smokers want to quit but quit quitting at the onset of withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal symptoms, for those unfamiliar, are your body's way of reminding you that it's time to smoke, and it will not stop nagging you until you light up.  Remember the uneasy, something's-missing feeling you have if you step out of the house without brushing your teeth? Pretty similar to what you go through the first few weeks of quitting, but a lot more intense.

Another reason it's so hard to give up is because smoking makes you feel good, period...and when you quit, you take away that endorphin rush.  Smoking makes you smell like hell, though, and that is the main reason for my wanting to kick the habit - not the health benefits nor the wrinkle-free skin...but the stink from my breath, on my fingers and on my clothes.

As is the case with most smokers, I made quitting my New Year's resolution, and I told my daughter about it. Predictably, and again like most smokers, I never pushed through with my promise.  But the defining moment came a few days into 2011 when said daughter told me as I was enjoying my after-dinner puffs: "Dad, I thought you were going to stop smoking."  

So that was it.  I took the plunge because I didn't want my children to think of their father as one who does not keep his promises.  So come on, withdrawal symptoms, let's dance.

There's a nifty device called the e-cigarette that can help quitters.  I started by alternating the e-cig with the real thing until I weaned myself from the foul-smelling variety.  After e-smoking full-time for about two weeks, I have reached the point where I just take the occasional puff at night, and eventually, I shall also do away with it entirely when the cravings stop (and they will). 

  

More effective than chewing gum

I didn't write this to promote the e-cigarette or extol the benefits of kicking the habit.  My point is, the only thing that can make a parent go through hell and high water (and withdrawal symptoms) is his kids. Thanks for saving my life, Camy. 

Daddy doodle

Sofie, my 5-year old daughter (and future wife of Justin Bieber) drew a picture of me. Cute.

Then it dawned on me.  In my daughter's eyes, I look like '9' from the Tim Burton movie.

Acrophobia be damned!

Being one of those people who get dizzy just by looking down a balcony, you can imagine how hellish it is for me  to go on a theme park ride (See Coasters from hell).  My personal rule is to go on the ride once, just to experience it, then enough.

Of course, when you're taking your youngest daughter on her first trip to Enchanted Kingdom, sacrifices have to be made.

The closest the Philippines' has in terms of a world-class theme park is Enchanted Kingdom.  It is not Disneyland nor Universal Studios, but it is well-maintained, safe and yeah, fun.
So there I was, family in tow, walking through these already familiar surroundings, when we suddenly spot a tall structure in the distance - a new ride, and a dangerous-looking one at that.  The wife and kids rush to check it out.  I follow with trepidation.

The ride is called EKstreme, but should be renamed "Hot Potato", 'cause after being lifted up to about five stories, the ride drops you at Mach 1 (or so it felt).  Remember the movie scenes where the actor's face is contorted and his skin gets all wrinkly when travelling at extreme speed?  You'll feel exactly the same thing...but in your buttcheeks.

After having my small and large intestines exchange places, it was off to the cutesy roller coaster for the young one....my kind of ride.

Wifey and the eldest went on Anchors away, another gut-wrenching affair that I passed up on.












It's been three years since I rode Space Shuttle Max...and maybe three more before I think of getting on it again.

So I ended up in the relaxing (if you don't look down) Wheel of Fate, or from the really long queue, Wheel of Wait.

And just when I thought I was safe from thrill rides, my wifey insisted that we all have our last go on Log Jam - a river roller coaster, complete with two scary drops and the added bonus of you getting wet. Note my trying-to-smile-to-mask-the-fear expression.

Two plunges into the abyss, a slew of expletives and a sopping wet shirt later, it was time to go.   I was tired and still shaking at the knee from all those vertigo-inducing rides, and was not planning on returning to Enchanted Kingdom for a long time.  But when I looked behind me and saw the expression on the faces of my three girls...

...aw, what the heck.  We're coming back for another session at EKstreme.  Acrophobia be damned!

A crapshoot...literally

It's really amazing what those colon cleansing formulas do - just abstain from eating anything for three days, drink the concoction, then magically give birth to an anaconda.  But while I congratulate these lucky individuals for having pristine bowels, I find it a bit strange that they chose to post their pictures on the worldwide web, happily posing beside their dung as if it were a rock star.

Special mention goes to the guy in red slippers for holding the thing up (though from his expression his sense of smell isn't too happy with it).  The two pretty girls in the middle aren't getting dates anytime soon.  One even chose to be cute and formed letters with it, and he isn't wearing gloves.  "Cute.  Now CAN you clean up, please?"  The rest, considering that they went through a "complete cleansing of the bowels", produced results that are quite disappointing - the others took up a whole page of newspaper, while they only needed a small sheet of stationery (hopefully perfumed).

Anyway, here's to your health, guys.  And you're so full of sh*t....oh, sorry.  Not anymore.

My toys vs Now toys

As my trips to toy stores increase as required by raising kids and making them happy, I can't help but wax nostalgic about my childhood and the stuff I played with. Looking back, though, and comparing the playthings of old and the now, I notice that while there have been great advances in toy tech, those 'relics' of the past seem to have made more sense.  Let me show you...

MY TOY - toy cars

As far as toy cars go, there were only three brands that mattered to me: Matchbox, Corgi and Tonka. Common denominator? They were made of steel, making them last for ages and withstand the usual wear and tear of playtime. Some of mine are still lying around the house (waiting to be completely obliterated by the next generation).

Matchbox had hundreds of models to collect, and most had hooks in the back (seen in the picture at the left) so you could tow other cars...at least that's what I thought it was for.

While Matchbox was famous for their variety of car models (and hooks), Corgi had the license to make those cool cars we saw on TV and movies - such as the Batmobile and James Bond's Aston Martin, complete with working ejection seat to get rid of bad guys, and even a little plastic bad guy to eject.

The King of toy vehicles was Tonka.  Also made of steel and very durable, these trucks could carry the weight of a full-grown 6 year-old.  Which, looking back, wasn't that impressive since the kid was just scrawny old me, but take my word for it.






NOW TOY - Speed Stacks
Whoever came up with this is a marketing genius, for he made an absolutely inane activity glamorous and expensive.  I mean, really, don't children do that to empty milk cartons or bottles or whatever's on hand when they play? How can those plastic tumblers cost so much?  What's next, a televised tournament for the fastest person to screw open a jar of mayo? Sheesh.




MY TOY - action figures
Well, there's G.I. Joe (pre-Cobra Commander models) with Kung-Fu grip, and a 6-million dollar man figure with a bionic eye you could peer through (which admittedly, was useless but a nice touch).








NOW TOY - Baby Alive
Cute and all, but why would you buy a toy that craps?








MY TOY - Japanese Robots
Ah yes, Japan's gift to the world is the Super Robot cartoons and their toys. Aside from having steel parts, they usually 'transform' (that franchise wasn't born at that time) from a vehicle/s to a humanoid robot.

My all-time favorites were Daimos, who turned into a truck;  and of course, Voltes V, which let you connect five space ships into one big laser-sword wielding beast fighter killer (whew)!






NOW TOY - Play-Doh
Don't even attempt to duplicate the nice clay spaghetti on the box, it's simply impossible; the only sure thing you'll be making is a mess.  And after a few days in your kids' hands, all those vibrant colors turn grey.

MY TOY - Evel Knievel stunt cycle

For those not born in the 70's, Evel Knievel was the quintessential Daredevil on a motorcycle who used to jump over buses and even the Grand Canyon on his rocket cycle.  Of course, with the job came the number of broken bones rivaling Jackie Chan's.  You just had to put the toy cycle on the red gyro thingy, wind it up, then watch little Evel do wheelies and jump over ramps (homemade, of course).  An added plus of the gyro wheel is it's also like you're going fishing while watching a stunt show.

NOW TOY - Tickle me, Elmo.

5-seconds after turning on the toy: "Aww, what an adorable giggle."

10-seconds: "Oh, how cute.  He rolls around while laughing."

15-seconds: "Ok, baby. Can you turn Elmo off for a while? Daddy's got to work."

20-seconds: "WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SHUT ELMO UP??!!"

Elmo: "hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha......."

MY TOY - Game and Watch

A compact video game and clock that fit in your pocket. Though the "watch" feature was largely ignored, everyone played Manhole, Octopus, Chef and all the other titles for hours on end.

NOW TOY - The Nintendo Wii

Granted, it's a peek at the games of the future, but not a single person has been injured by a Game and Watch.  And the Wii also has an 'L.L.F.' feature for those who play it (Look Like a Fool).







Merry Christmas, everyone!

Movies that made me cry.

Real men don't cry...except in movies, where it's dark and no one can see you shedding tears (except for your nosy daughter who notices, then announces it to everyone). At any rate, these are the rare flicks that have made me bring out my hankie (secretly, of course) in the theatre. "What, dear? oh, it's nothing, there's just something in my eye." (nosy daughter!)



Snoopy, Come Home!
I was younger than 10 when my parents brought me to the movies to see this one. It was also their first indication that their only son was a wuss.









Buddy: the true story of the 1st seeing eye dog.
In the latter part of this TV movie, Buddy had to go through an obstacle-course-like test so the government could pass the bill that legalizes the use of seeing-eye dogs. Buddy was old and exhausted and he finished the course crawling 'cause he was tired and.....waaaaaah!









Free Willy
By far, the most embarrassing film to admit that I cried to. Really, how could one be moved to tears by an orca?










Toy Story 3
It had been awhile since the Free Willy fiasco, but when a grown-up Andy had to give up his toys, albeit to a deserving little girl, the tear ducts were activated once more...and with daughter watching.







Despicable Me
As if to make up for the long hiatus between Free Willy and Toy Story 3, Despicable Me was released just several months later. In TS3, the whole family cried; but in this one, it was only I, the man of the family, who did. Despicable, indeed.



There are two movies that deserve special mention in that they made me want to cry but the sphincter muscles in my eyes saved the day. Here are the two 'almosts':


The Incredibles
The part where the daughter creates a force field which protected the family from the falling plane, then Elastogirl says: "That's my girl"? Looked away and thought of happy stuff to keep the eyes dry.






Shrek Forever After
As if crying for a killer whale wasn't embarrassing enough. Sorry, Shrek, close but no cigar.



I haven't seen Legend of the Guardians yet, but I seriously doubt that a bunch of owls could make me cry.

Daughter: "what about a killer whale?"

Me: "Shut up."

If the cellphone wasn't invented

It's really amazing when you think of the advances in communication technology. I remember the days when you were cool because you had a pager, or were considered part of the elite because you carried around the first mobile phones that were as heavy as cement blocks.

Here in the Philippines, the only people who do not own cellphones are the dead. Pinoys are the top users of text messaging worldwide (and Friendster, but that's another story). From the affluent to the blue-collar worker, from CEOs to the jobless, all can be seen carrying an I-phone, Blackberry or a Nokia 32xx.

But what if the mobile phone wasn't invented? What if Nokia decided to sell hamburgers, instead? My bet is we would be exhibiting extremely different behavior due to its absence. What if we lived in a world without cellphones?

1. You're dead if you're late. "Hell hath no fury than a woman made to wait." If you didn't have a means to tell your wife that you'll be arriving 30 minutes late for your date because you had a flat tire, expect an empty seat waiting for you (and the cold shoulder the next day). On the other hand, it can make you be conscious of time, as you should.

2. Snatchers would lose their livelihood. It's a lot easier to grab a cellphone from the user's hand than engage in a tug-o-war with the owner of a gold necklace.

3. Back to the traditional way of courting. In the old days, a budding Romeo had to woo in person - call up the object of his affection on the telephone or pay her a visit in her home. Nowadays, you can just plagiarize cutesy messages to send over SMS. Today's would-be suitors would be forced to man up and get their leading ladies without hiding behind technology. It would also bring back the practice of writing love letters and burning the edges of the paper with a cigarette (yeah, yeah, I've burned a few before).

4. Less proliferation of scandalous videos. With no medium with which to spread them around, couples who sex up on camera would feel a bit safer. But expect more peepholes in motel rooms.

5. People would think 'Bluetooth' is a dental condition.

6. Movie or TV heroes wouldn't look as cool. Imagine Jack Bauer constantly looking for a phone booth to contact CTU, or the Men in Black communicating by carrier pigeon. The only guy who would benefit from a world with no mobile phones is Clark Kent, who wouldn't have to look very far for a place to change.

7. Places like Greenhills and Metrowalk would lose sales because they would be limited to selling pirated DVDs only.

8.On the other hand, we would have a lot more money. The P20,000 that we save up to buy the latest model would instead be spent on, well, less important things - like food.

9. The word 'jejemon' won't exist because people will spell words properly. No more missing vowels ("pnta k d2?"); no more substituting '2' for 'to'; no more wrong sentence construction ("go na me").

10. And most importantly, My pager will be cool again! woohoo!