A crapshoot...literally

It's really amazing what those colon cleansing formulas do - just abstain from eating anything for three days, drink the concoction, then magically give birth to an anaconda.  But while I congratulate these lucky individuals for having pristine bowels, I find it a bit strange that they chose to post their pictures on the worldwide web, happily posing beside their dung as if it were a rock star.

Special mention goes to the guy in red slippers for holding the thing up (though from his expression his sense of smell isn't too happy with it).  The two pretty girls in the middle aren't getting dates anytime soon.  One even chose to be cute and formed letters with it, and he isn't wearing gloves.  "Cute.  Now CAN you clean up, please?"  The rest, considering that they went through a "complete cleansing of the bowels", produced results that are quite disappointing - the others took up a whole page of newspaper, while they only needed a small sheet of stationery (hopefully perfumed).

Anyway, here's to your health, guys.  And you're so full of sh*t....oh, sorry.  Not anymore.

My toys vs Now toys

As my trips to toy stores increase as required by raising kids and making them happy, I can't help but wax nostalgic about my childhood and the stuff I played with. Looking back, though, and comparing the playthings of old and the now, I notice that while there have been great advances in toy tech, those 'relics' of the past seem to have made more sense.  Let me show you...

MY TOY - toy cars

As far as toy cars go, there were only three brands that mattered to me: Matchbox, Corgi and Tonka. Common denominator? They were made of steel, making them last for ages and withstand the usual wear and tear of playtime. Some of mine are still lying around the house (waiting to be completely obliterated by the next generation).

Matchbox had hundreds of models to collect, and most had hooks in the back (seen in the picture at the left) so you could tow other cars...at least that's what I thought it was for.

While Matchbox was famous for their variety of car models (and hooks), Corgi had the license to make those cool cars we saw on TV and movies - such as the Batmobile and James Bond's Aston Martin, complete with working ejection seat to get rid of bad guys, and even a little plastic bad guy to eject.

The King of toy vehicles was Tonka.  Also made of steel and very durable, these trucks could carry the weight of a full-grown 6 year-old.  Which, looking back, wasn't that impressive since the kid was just scrawny old me, but take my word for it.






NOW TOY - Speed Stacks
Whoever came up with this is a marketing genius, for he made an absolutely inane activity glamorous and expensive.  I mean, really, don't children do that to empty milk cartons or bottles or whatever's on hand when they play? How can those plastic tumblers cost so much?  What's next, a televised tournament for the fastest person to screw open a jar of mayo? Sheesh.




MY TOY - action figures
Well, there's G.I. Joe (pre-Cobra Commander models) with Kung-Fu grip, and a 6-million dollar man figure with a bionic eye you could peer through (which admittedly, was useless but a nice touch).








NOW TOY - Baby Alive
Cute and all, but why would you buy a toy that craps?








MY TOY - Japanese Robots
Ah yes, Japan's gift to the world is the Super Robot cartoons and their toys. Aside from having steel parts, they usually 'transform' (that franchise wasn't born at that time) from a vehicle/s to a humanoid robot.

My all-time favorites were Daimos, who turned into a truck;  and of course, Voltes V, which let you connect five space ships into one big laser-sword wielding beast fighter killer (whew)!






NOW TOY - Play-Doh
Don't even attempt to duplicate the nice clay spaghetti on the box, it's simply impossible; the only sure thing you'll be making is a mess.  And after a few days in your kids' hands, all those vibrant colors turn grey.

MY TOY - Evel Knievel stunt cycle

For those not born in the 70's, Evel Knievel was the quintessential Daredevil on a motorcycle who used to jump over buses and even the Grand Canyon on his rocket cycle.  Of course, with the job came the number of broken bones rivaling Jackie Chan's.  You just had to put the toy cycle on the red gyro thingy, wind it up, then watch little Evel do wheelies and jump over ramps (homemade, of course).  An added plus of the gyro wheel is it's also like you're going fishing while watching a stunt show.

NOW TOY - Tickle me, Elmo.

5-seconds after turning on the toy: "Aww, what an adorable giggle."

10-seconds: "Oh, how cute.  He rolls around while laughing."

15-seconds: "Ok, baby. Can you turn Elmo off for a while? Daddy's got to work."

20-seconds: "WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SHUT ELMO UP??!!"

Elmo: "hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha......."

MY TOY - Game and Watch

A compact video game and clock that fit in your pocket. Though the "watch" feature was largely ignored, everyone played Manhole, Octopus, Chef and all the other titles for hours on end.

NOW TOY - The Nintendo Wii

Granted, it's a peek at the games of the future, but not a single person has been injured by a Game and Watch.  And the Wii also has an 'L.L.F.' feature for those who play it (Look Like a Fool).







Merry Christmas, everyone!

Movies that made me cry.

Real men don't cry...except in movies, where it's dark and no one can see you shedding tears (except for your nosy daughter who notices, then announces it to everyone). At any rate, these are the rare flicks that have made me bring out my hankie (secretly, of course) in the theatre. "What, dear? oh, it's nothing, there's just something in my eye." (nosy daughter!)



Snoopy, Come Home!
I was younger than 10 when my parents brought me to the movies to see this one. It was also their first indication that their only son was a wuss.









Buddy: the true story of the 1st seeing eye dog.
In the latter part of this TV movie, Buddy had to go through an obstacle-course-like test so the government could pass the bill that legalizes the use of seeing-eye dogs. Buddy was old and exhausted and he finished the course crawling 'cause he was tired and.....waaaaaah!









Free Willy
By far, the most embarrassing film to admit that I cried to. Really, how could one be moved to tears by an orca?










Toy Story 3
It had been awhile since the Free Willy fiasco, but when a grown-up Andy had to give up his toys, albeit to a deserving little girl, the tear ducts were activated once more...and with daughter watching.







Despicable Me
As if to make up for the long hiatus between Free Willy and Toy Story 3, Despicable Me was released just several months later. In TS3, the whole family cried; but in this one, it was only I, the man of the family, who did. Despicable, indeed.



There are two movies that deserve special mention in that they made me want to cry but the sphincter muscles in my eyes saved the day. Here are the two 'almosts':


The Incredibles
The part where the daughter creates a force field which protected the family from the falling plane, then Elastogirl says: "That's my girl"? Looked away and thought of happy stuff to keep the eyes dry.






Shrek Forever After
As if crying for a killer whale wasn't embarrassing enough. Sorry, Shrek, close but no cigar.



I haven't seen Legend of the Guardians yet, but I seriously doubt that a bunch of owls could make me cry.

Daughter: "what about a killer whale?"

Me: "Shut up."

If the cellphone wasn't invented

It's really amazing when you think of the advances in communication technology. I remember the days when you were cool because you had a pager, or were considered part of the elite because you carried around the first mobile phones that were as heavy as cement blocks.

Here in the Philippines, the only people who do not own cellphones are the dead. Pinoys are the top users of text messaging worldwide (and Friendster, but that's another story). From the affluent to the blue-collar worker, from CEOs to the jobless, all can be seen carrying an I-phone, Blackberry or a Nokia 32xx.

But what if the mobile phone wasn't invented? What if Nokia decided to sell hamburgers, instead? My bet is we would be exhibiting extremely different behavior due to its absence. What if we lived in a world without cellphones?

1. You're dead if you're late. "Hell hath no fury than a woman made to wait." If you didn't have a means to tell your wife that you'll be arriving 30 minutes late for your date because you had a flat tire, expect an empty seat waiting for you (and the cold shoulder the next day). On the other hand, it can make you be conscious of time, as you should.

2. Snatchers would lose their livelihood. It's a lot easier to grab a cellphone from the user's hand than engage in a tug-o-war with the owner of a gold necklace.

3. Back to the traditional way of courting. In the old days, a budding Romeo had to woo in person - call up the object of his affection on the telephone or pay her a visit in her home. Nowadays, you can just plagiarize cutesy messages to send over SMS. Today's would-be suitors would be forced to man up and get their leading ladies without hiding behind technology. It would also bring back the practice of writing love letters and burning the edges of the paper with a cigarette (yeah, yeah, I've burned a few before).

4. Less proliferation of scandalous videos. With no medium with which to spread them around, couples who sex up on camera would feel a bit safer. But expect more peepholes in motel rooms.

5. People would think 'Bluetooth' is a dental condition.

6. Movie or TV heroes wouldn't look as cool. Imagine Jack Bauer constantly looking for a phone booth to contact CTU, or the Men in Black communicating by carrier pigeon. The only guy who would benefit from a world with no mobile phones is Clark Kent, who wouldn't have to look very far for a place to change.

7. Places like Greenhills and Metrowalk would lose sales because they would be limited to selling pirated DVDs only.

8.On the other hand, we would have a lot more money. The P20,000 that we save up to buy the latest model would instead be spent on, well, less important things - like food.

9. The word 'jejemon' won't exist because people will spell words properly. No more missing vowels ("pnta k d2?"); no more substituting '2' for 'to'; no more wrong sentence construction ("go na me").

10. And most importantly, My pager will be cool again! woohoo!

A conversation with my younger self

Came upon this idea in other blogs: If you could go back in time and have lunch with your younger self, what would you say to him? Since the only digital picture of me as a youngster is the one above, I'll give this thing a go and treat my Grade school self to a meal.

Now where would we stay? Hmm, there was no Starbucks then (and we both hate coffee) so I guess we would just share a large Friday Special thin crust at Shakey's.

As we get ready to eat, I would take a good look at him (er...me) and think "God, was I an ugly kid", but I won't tell him that, of course.

To get the boring stuff out of the way (as I know he has the uncanny ability to tune out when he's bored with a conversation), I'd tell him not to take his studies for granted (and still be the class clown). I'd say that the best career path for him would be in the arts and media, and to pursue hobbies that cultivate that: writing, listening to and imitating voices in cartoons and newscasts, drawing, singing, playing an instrument, and developing the guts to do all that in public.

and to respect his parents because he's also gonna be one in the future.

With that, I show him a picture of his future family:

Not bad, huh?

Good-looking and driven wife and two kids that inherited his wit and looks (don't worry, he'll agree).

Then, as we finish up the pitcher of Coke, I'd give him the usual tidbits from a guy from the future:

-In high school, you're going to have your hair curled in the hope that this would improve your chances of girls liking you for your looks. Do NOT go through with this preposterous plan, trust me.

-Playing a musical instrument, on the other hand, is a chick magnet. Go practice.

-I still read comic books at this age. Superman, Batman and Captain America are going to die.

-Speaking of dying, your idol, Michael Jackson is also kicking the bucket in 2009.

-Take care of your toys. Those G.I.Joes, 6 million dollar man figures and Voltes V robots could earn you a fortune.

-Don't take up smoking in high school.

-Be active in sports. That great body will last you 'til your 40's and 50's.

-and finally, always bet on Manny Pacquiao.

Lastly, I would make him drool with excitement with the fact that computer games and the internet are going to be invented soon. And as we say our goodbyes I'd give him a big, long hug and tell him how proud I am of him.

He would probably say, "get your filthy hands off me, old man!"

And I would totally understand.

Superpowers we REALLY want

Everyone wants to have a superpower. But really, if we ever do get one, would we really use it for the greater good? Would we sacrifice a night out with our drinking buddies to save total strangers? Would we wear colorful underwear on the outside and save the world? Fat chance!

If I had to choose a superpower, I'd want one that I could use in my daily life, not the usual but impractical ones. I wouldn't want to Fly so I could avoid traffic - and get to work with mussed-up hair. Invisibility so I could rob banks? Naah, it's a crime to do so and I might catch a cold walking around naked. No way to Super strength; don't wanna destroy a whole block when I fart. X-ray vision to look at female underwear? Hmm.

Anyway, here's a list of powers that won't necessarily make us heroes, but make us feel, ahem, super:

1. The power to give someone Diarrhea - the ultimate revenge against arrogant security guards, rude sales ladies and taxi drivers who refuse to give you a ride. Give them the runs for being mean to you.

2. Teleporting others - guy in front of you at the ATM doesn't know how to operate the machine? Zing! he's right at the back of the line. Moron in the fastfood counter taking too long to order? Zing! inside the restroom he goes. Inconsiderate driver cut you off to get that last free parking slot?Zing! him right in the middle of bumper-to-bumper traffic. Endless possibilities.

3. Possessing babies for 5 seconds - enough time to give the "aww, he's so cute"-while-making-a-weird-face adult the finger, or telling them in the baby's angelic voice: "kiss my butt!" The reaction would be priceless.

4. Seeing 2 hours into the future - great for placing bets during the NBA finals or Pacquiao fights. Use the power and count the money afterwards.

5. Making others speak with Spongebob's voice - Your boss giving you a dressing down won't hurt as much if he sounded like our favorite Bikini Bottom resident.

7. The ability to freeze another person's facial expression immediately after he sneezes - no real value but great for laughs.

8. Transforming vehicles into unicycles - Let's see what those irritating politician bodyguards with their blaring sirens that swerve in front of your car or those inconsiderate motorcycle drivers do when they suddenly take control of a circus vehicle in the highway.

9. Sticky mouth - victim develops a glue-like substance on the lips, thereby preventing him from uttering a word, perfect for the talkative ones in theatres.

10. and, okay... X-ray vision!