Superpowers we REALLY want

Everyone wants to have a superpower. But really, if we ever do get one, would we really use it for the greater good? Would we sacrifice a night out with our drinking buddies to save total strangers? Would we wear colorful underwear on the outside and save the world? Fat chance!

If I had to choose a superpower, I'd want one that I could use in my daily life, not the usual but impractical ones. I wouldn't want to Fly so I could avoid traffic - and get to work with mussed-up hair. Invisibility so I could rob banks? Naah, it's a crime to do so and I might catch a cold walking around naked. No way to Super strength; don't wanna destroy a whole block when I fart. X-ray vision to look at female underwear? Hmm.

Anyway, here's a list of powers that won't necessarily make us heroes, but make us feel, ahem, super:

1. The power to give someone Diarrhea - the ultimate revenge against arrogant security guards, rude sales ladies and taxi drivers who refuse to give you a ride. Give them the runs for being mean to you.

2. Teleporting others - guy in front of you at the ATM doesn't know how to operate the machine? Zing! he's right at the back of the line. Moron in the fastfood counter taking too long to order? Zing! inside the restroom he goes. Inconsiderate driver cut you off to get that last free parking slot?Zing! him right in the middle of bumper-to-bumper traffic. Endless possibilities.

3. Possessing babies for 5 seconds - enough time to give the "aww, he's so cute"-while-making-a-weird-face adult the finger, or telling them in the baby's angelic voice: "kiss my butt!" The reaction would be priceless.

4. Seeing 2 hours into the future - great for placing bets during the NBA finals or Pacquiao fights. Use the power and count the money afterwards.

5. Making others speak with Spongebob's voice - Your boss giving you a dressing down won't hurt as much if he sounded like our favorite Bikini Bottom resident.

7. The ability to freeze another person's facial expression immediately after he sneezes - no real value but great for laughs.

8. Transforming vehicles into unicycles - Let's see what those irritating politician bodyguards with their blaring sirens that swerve in front of your car or those inconsiderate motorcycle drivers do when they suddenly take control of a circus vehicle in the highway.

9. Sticky mouth - victim develops a glue-like substance on the lips, thereby preventing him from uttering a word, perfect for the talkative ones in theatres.

10. and, okay... X-ray vision!

The day that changed the lives of many

We Pinoys are so used to having storms that we take them for granted and just bring along an umbrella as we go about our lives; but nothing could prepare us for what was to come on Sept 26, 2009. What we thought was just 'one of those typhoons', with a cute name, nonetheless - 'Ondoy' ('Ketsana' internationally) left so much damage and destruction in it's wake...and so close to home.

In just one Saturday afternoon, it poured...and poured...and poured even more, then the floods came. Streets became impassable and the thousands who wanted to rush home were forced to stay put. It would have been all for naught, anyway, as floods rose up to the 2nd level of houses, forcing homeowners to seek refuge in their rooftops. Cars, brand-new and old, floated around like Matchbox toys. Mud and silt entered houses, destroying everything inside. Families were separated forever by the strong waves and the deep water. In just one Saturday afternoon.

There was death, there was destruction and there were heroes.

'Ondoy' left the country the next day, leaving those affected to mourn and to pick up the pieces. But even as the water subsides, there are those who still give hope to the struggling by continuing to distribute relief goods to this day, even when the others have moved on.

Never will that day be forgotten, but nor will the sacrifices of those who lent a hand.

A salute to those who have helped, and a prayer to those who have lost.

Dogs with no girlfriends.

Presenting the finalists of the recently-concluded 'World's Ugliest Dog Contest', with the winner being the brown one with the nasty underbite above.

So what's the point of putting these pics up? Just the mysterious fact that in photo montages of this sort, there will always be one or more pictures that look like someone you know.

Coasters from Hell

Nothing ups the pucker factor (and i'm not talking about your lips) more than riding a roller coaster. Unfortunately, I'm one of the few who are terrified to ride one, but still do. In fact, even on a Ferris Wheel I still have to have something to hold on to. The big, swinging boat thingy and the log rides you find in parks? Been there, done that, almost peed in my pants.

Not to say I'm a complete wuss; I've had my share of so-called thrills from several coasters. Particularly:



The first inverted roller coaster in the Philippines (we're talking Stone-Age here), The Star Flyer in Star City,







The 20-second long Space Shuttle in Enchanted Kingdom in Laguna, Philippines,








The Dragon in Ocean Park, Hongkong, and...









...the disc-slipping Space Mountain in HongKong Disneyland.




By today's standards, those rides are for the, as Po says, 'Level zero' thrillseekers. Yet, I was scared to death riding them. And I notice that everytime I go on thrill rides, I never scream. Ain't it a bit un-macho to be going :"Waaaaaaaaah!!!" on the final drop (and damn those park-installed cameras that record the moment). So what I do is I disguise the scream by incorporating a curse word in it. For example: "Sh***********t!". That way, I can still let the tension out and not seem like a wimp...clever, huh?

Anyway, I came upon this article on the top roller coasters in the world. So, it got me to thinking: "What would be an appropriate thing to say (scream) while riding them?" Here's what I came up with:


Dodonpa Fuji-Q Highland, Japan:
"Banzaaaaaaaaaaaaaii!!!"






Duelling Dragons - Universal's Islands of Adventure, U.S.A.:
"My coooooins!!!"








Six Flags Magic Mountain, U.S.A.:
"My croooooootch!"







Colossus, Thorpe Park, England:

"What in Bloody Heeeelll!!!"








X2 Six Flags Magic Mountain, U.S.A.:
"That cloud formation looks just like my doooooooooooog!!!"





Steel Dragon 2000, Nagashima Spa Land, Japan:
**Nippongo for "Nobody told me anything about a laaaaaake (splash)!!!"






And this last one? Pretty straightforward, I think...

Wicked Twister, Cedar Point, U.S.A.:
"Put*ng-ina, mamamatay na akoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!"





(translation: "(insert expletive),I'm going to diiieeeee!!!")

Size Matters

Unless the scientists above are 3-inches tall, those are damn big squid.

For some reason, I'm quite fascinated with giant cephalopods because they remind me of the sea monsters that you read about as a kid - '20,000 leagues under the sea' by Jules Verne, to be more specific:
In recent years, it made an appearance in the film "Pirates of the Carribean" in the form of a Kraken:

And of course, it's one of the main characters in an immensely popular cartoon:

But wait! If there are Collosal Squids, there must be other ginormous sea creatures, right? Yup, there are, to name a few:

Sizable Sea Turtles!

Considerable Catfish!

Super-sized Stingrays!

Titanic Tilapia!

Big....er, whatever this is.

On the other side of the spectrum, all the rage nowadays are micro-piglets. Yes, genetically-engineered porcines that fit in a teacup which are kept as pets by the rich and famous.

They're cute, smarter than dogs, and when they die, instant lechon-on-a-stick.

My Lion Queen

Tread lightly whenever you write something about your significant other; and never, ever mention anything that has to do with their weight (oops!).

But my wife is much, much more than that (oops, again).

You see, just like my mom and my sister, Louie is the eldest in the brood. And while the term 'Unica Hija' may sound cute and adorable, these women almost always grow up to be fierce Alpha females. And according to Animal Planet, when these females choose their mates, they do not pick Alpha males because they just end up tearing each others' throats out. Thus, they end up with husbands who are docile (read: henpecked).

While there are obvious disadvantages to living with a lioness (backseat driving, dictating what you should wear, constant reminders to lift the lid, etc.), there also are pros: For one thing, they earn much more than you. In other words, they do the hunting for food. If I insist on being the provider of the family with my salary, my kids would end up eating McDonalds and instant noodles all their life, not the salmon sashimi and baked oysters that they (we) currently enjoy. Now some old-fashioned guys who were trained in the 'man-of-the-house' school of thought would try to 're-claim their territory'...me? I just enjoy the freebies! Better to give up control of the TV remote well-fed than preserving one's machismo with a rumbling stomach, I say.

Another advantage to having an Alpha mate is that during altercations, they usually do the scratching. When Louie complains to stores or restaurants about bad service, I usually just stand behind and concur:

Louie:"You made us wait for 2 hours."

Me: "Yeah, you did."

Louie: "I want my money back!"

Me: "Yeah, give her her money back (or it's a Big Mac for lunch again)"

But my lioness does a lot more for me than just fill my tummy: she treats my kids like royalty, she endears me with the way she puckers her lips when she is pleased with something and she laughs at my bad jokes. I'm happy to have tracked her scent in this vast jungle; and I still fondly remember the day when I tamed this beast 9 years ago.

And this proud lion would carry her forever on my back into the sunset...if I could (oops).

The Guy Who Made Stepping on Dog Poo Cool

The person on the left is not me; though when I was in High School, I wanted to be like him...let me clarify that - dance like him. During that bygone era of Betamax; it was play-rewind-play-rewind tapes of Michael Jackson music videos (not to mention Linda Lovelace films but that's another story), trying to imitate his dance steps. I kinda got the moves of "Beat it" and half of the "Thriller" dance sequence (the Beta player gobbled up the tape), but the real challenge was doing the moonwalk - keeping your heels flat on the floor while sliding backwards, which is basically what you naturally do when trying to get rid of the dog poo you just stepped on.

But in the end, the only thing MJ-ish I got right was having his skin tone (which would also change eventually...darn it). So I quit trying to spin on my heels and just enjoyed his music. And man, what a line-up of hits this guy had: From 'Rock with You', 'Billie Jean', 'Smooth Criminal', 'Black or White', 'You are not alone'....well, everyone has their bad days.

My love for Michael Jackson's music rubbed off on my daughter, Camy. When I bought DVDs of his videos, there was a time when she would watch them every single day without fail. So it doesn't matter to me if he was ultra-weird or maybe a perv. I had fun watching his videos; my daughter enjoyed listening to his music; my wife got a good laugh out of watching me try to dance like him. So I guess in his life, Michael Jackson has done his job - to make people like us happy.

So, thank you, Mr. Jackson. And I hope you teach those angels how the Moonwalk is really done.